The Journey Inward

The sun shone brightly above me as I weaved my way through the path set before me. I knew there was no way to get lost. I felt safe and ready for what was ahead.

A week ago, my therapist brought up the concept of a labyrinth. This came up after I mentioned to her that most of my encounters with spirituality and transformation always seem to come from experiential knowledge and becoming curious. I had never heard of a labyrinth before. These ancient maze-like experiences can be found all across the world. No one knows how so many cultures around the globe had the same diagram and maze structure; it’s a mystery how that information could have traveled to each of these distinct places. And while the experience looks like a maze, you can never get lost. I was thrilled by my therapist’s recommendation to try the experience, feeling as if there was something there waiting to be discovered.

Photo by Erez Attias on Unsplash

One week later, I found myself at the San Pedro retreat center located in Orlando. I arrived shortly before my therapist. I had no idea what to expect and was feeling open and a little nervous. She had with her a large encyclopedia which she started to page through with me. There were pictures of all the labyrinths that exist around the world and how people use them. As a member of Veriditas, a Labyrinth society, herself, she was so knowledgeable about these mysterious mazes, how they can be used in so many healing ways, from an experience for cancer patients to therapeutic opportunities.

“There’s no wrong way to do it,” she said to me before I began. “Allow everything to be a metaphor. Just go, and see what holds for you.”

She left me at the entrance of the labyrinth and I began to journey inward alone. I took a moment to really be present, and as I began to walk in, I allowed whatever arose to fall out of my mouth. Suddenly I felt this sharp sense of duality come up within my being. As if passing up and through me, I felt the power of all of the amazing things I’ve done in my life flash before me. And then, just seconds later, I felt the weight of the horrible things I’ve done, too. I saw how I’ve been loved and how I’ve been despised. How I’ve been a mother and how I’ve not been a mother. Each experience was flashing fast through my mind. Not only the words but the memory and all of the feelings, it was so bizarre, how fast everything started coming up. Snot and tears ran down my face as I journeyed further inward. I let it all flow out as I walked.

“Great, now what?”

When I got to the center of the labyrinth I didn’t know what to do. I had been feeling so much that I just fell to my knees on my face, weeping. I was there in the middle, my whole life swirling around me, trying to find meaning in all of my past, all of my memories. I felt as if I was on my deathbed, looking back. I could see my entire life of experiences, what they had truly been. And I felt, as the tears continued to fall and catch in the grass below me, that there was no way back. When you see it all in front of you, it can be so much easier to, finally, finally, let it go.

With a big change in life can come a lot of loneliness too. Our transformations, while helped along by experiences that we have and those in our lives, are so personal too. There is a reason you have to go into the labyrinth alone. Some things need to be felt in that space, with just you and God as your witness. I felt, in the center of that labyrinth, there was no way I was going to be the same. I knew forward would be totally different. I felt intensely alone in that experience.

Photo by Frederik Löwer on Unsplash

After the tears stopped, I got up and heard the whoosh of a broom, like a symbol that everything was wiped away. And a voice, too. From somewhere deep inside of me, the command, “Permission to move forward.” So I got up. My body just started walking and I kept saying it: “Permission to move forward.” And all of the loneliness and sadness I felt in the center just melted away. Joy bubbled up instead, and laughter, so much laugher. I felt light, so aware of this experience happening for me right in this moment.

As I continued walking out, I heard one more piece of wisdom, “Would you consider that all things are new?” And an excitement arose in me. I wanted to scream “Yes!!” Walking, I started noticing everything, wanting to ground myself in what was happening right then, to hold onto that amazing moment. I heard the sounds of construction taking place just outside of the labyrinth, the workers shouting to one another over the sounds of the machines, birds nearby, and felt the sun shining down on me. I stopped and looked around at everything just to take it all in. I didn’t want this to all go away. I didn’t want to walk out of this experience like something didn’t happen. I was ready to be changed.

Right at the end of the labyrinth, I stopped. I closed my eyes, and as I did, I felt the ending of all that had been a part of my experience until now. Before I left the labyrinth, before I headed into this new passage of my life, I wanted to honor this moment, a perfect culmination. This was an end to form a new beginning.

When I came out of the labyrinth, there across from me in the courtyard was a statue depicting Jesus on the cross. I looked up and stared at him, this perfect picture of what I had just experienced. That reminder to all of us that our roads can at times be hard. You carry your cross, trying to figure it out, what is and what isn’t, all of the layers of things that get piled on us in our lifetime. Those layers are our crosses.

Just like there is no wrong way to walk in a labyrinth, there is no wrong way to walk this life. I saw in Jesus in that moment that there are trials and beauty in our lives. And the other side of the cross is glorious. It’s all worth it. You go into the labyrinth and into life with intention for what you want or you just solemnly walk your path. Be open and allow the experience to serve you in any way necessary. Every moment is fashioned for you no matter what. Something is going to happen, that will serve you and cause you to grow and shift and be better aligned.

Waiting in the courtyard for me to finish the experience, my therapist came up to stand next to me. She saw me deep in thought; moved, and wide-eyed she said, “So the ancient path has done its work, huh?” My breath stopped. She had no idea how much that phrase meant to me, that I had been studying the spiritual wisdom of the ancient path for years now. Originating in the Bible, “the ancient path” is used to refer to the good way, the moral path in life “Jeremiah 6:16”. But for me, it is also a reminder that I am not the first one to walk the path of life.

That question was perfect, tying together this journey of the labyrinth with everything that came before it, the path I have been on all along. I looked up to her and nodded my head and my eyes started to water.

Sure, there is this physical experience that exists where people walk and venture into the labyrinth, but truly the ancient way is our divine relationship and our divine inheritance from God. If you can find a labyrinth to go to in your city, do it. See if the ancient path will work for you. There is no wrong way. No one will ever tell you you should experience something because no one knows. No one can tell you how to do it.

And as this new year begins, that is such a powerful message. No matter where you are, right beneath you, right under the soles of your feet, is your path. As you think with intention, as you choose to walk forward with whatever new reality is calling to you, that is your labyrinth.

As long as we feel as though life is rooted only in what we see and what we achieve or what happens to us, we’re only living on a singular level. That isn’t it, that’s not life at all. The essence of our existence predates anything that happens right now. It is a path that has been set far before we arrived and will continue long afterwards. That path connects us to God, a relationship that puts us right side up in an upside-down world.

When I think about the paths we walk, and what walking the labyrinth meant to me, it was a way of walking forward in my life in a new way, with curiosity and openness, a willingness for that path to be different. How often do you allow yourself to consider that all things have been made new, to really receive that? When we’re given choices of different paths to take in life, sometimes it can be hard to take the one our heart yearns for us to go on. It’s not because we’re not courageous enough, it’s something deeper. We feel unworthy. I know personally that depending on where I am in life if there is an option for me to choose a path that will serve me and a path that won’t, sometimes I’ve felt undeserving of that higher way.

When we tap into this ancient way, we feel held by those who came before and after us, and that can, at times, make it easier to take the path that will benefit us most. We know that we are worthy because there are so many who have led the way to get us to where we are today. So journey into the center of yourself, in a physical labyrinth or wherever you may venture throughout this new year. Let yourself be held in your worthiness. Let yourself allow for the possibility that the path ahead is all just beginning, beautifully awaiting you in its newness.

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