If You Hate Confrontation
Photo by Frida Lannerström on Unsplash
With the holidays approaching you may be feeling anxious, especially when confronted with relational dynamics that tend to go south. Why? Because arguing with people that you love is painful, especially if in the end nothing gets accomplished and you feel trampled on. Trust me, I used to do everything I could to avoid standing up for myself in these situations, but as I’ve healed and grown in confidence, I actually will run towards communicating when talking seems like the best course of action.
First let me say, if the conversation has you really hyped up, it may be a good idea to give yourself time to cool off before trying to engage. You want to be as level-headed as possible.
3 Rules for starters -
Rule #1 Do everything you can to avoid having heated conversations through text. This goes without saying, but text messages lack tone and things do get lost in translation. If you absolutely must, have an objective person help you.
Rule #2 Schedule a face-to-face or have a talk by phone. I know this can be scary, especially if you anticipate combat, but trust me, you can do this! Set the date but don’t feel pressured to talk if you’re not ready.
Rule #3 Take time to consider the bigger picture. Ask yourself these two helpful questions. Is there anything that I need to own up to? And what do I really want out of all of this?
The first question forces you to take ownership of any part that you played AND gives you a launching pad to start your conversation. The second is crucial because it establishes intent. Once you know what you want, you can work towards that end.
Now onto the good stuff!
Master becoming an active listener - We do this by listening to the whole person, not just their words, many of us know that not all communication is verbal, and in order to become a master at active listening we first need to take note of body gestures, tones, and facial expression during our interactions.
Master the art of listening to understand before listening to respond - Sometimes it’s hard to listen to understand when it feels like the other person is hurling accusations or speaking an entirely different language altogether. In reality, it doesn’t matter because unless you fully understand what the other person is saying, it’s nearly impossible to respond from a place of clarity, conviction, and truth.
Restate before responding - As human beings we have the capacity to do many things at once, and as females, we are masters at this one! So, while listening to understand, be a responsible listener by restating what you believe the other person is saying before launching into your response. Say things like, “Before I respond, I’d like to make sure that I understand what you’re saying” or “Just to make sure that I heard you right.” When you do this it communicates that you are present and that your intentions are to understand which makes the other person feel heard.
And lastly, take note of how the interaction and their word choice make you feel - in Hendricks, we call this looping. In essence, checking in with yourself.
For some, this can take lots of practice while others are doing it while not even noticing. Depending on the context of the interaction it may or may not be necessary to voice these feelings, but in the end, you learn more about yourself and your capacity to engage with others.
If you give any of these a try, come back and let me know how it went, I’d love to hear about it!
Your sister and Resilience Specialist,
Jannah
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